Thoughts on Birthday Number Five

Thoughts on Birthday Number Five
Originally uploaded by Dogwood Girl

Dear Rollie,

Last night, when we tucked you in, I held your face in my hands to look into your eyes.

"What are you doing?" you said. "I am looking at you so I'll remember what you look like at four years old." You thought for a minute. "I want to stay four," you said, your lower lip unfurled. I didn't know what to say to that, because I kind of wanted you to stay four, too.

You being four has been a joy and a challenge, more so than any year yet. I really thought that you at three was challenging; I had no idea that four would be more of the same.

Uh-oh. Tiller is helping me write this. About your birthday, Tiller says, "I think i am going to make a birthday present. Tiller is excited about doing the cards." Okay, she's gone.

This time last year, you were just learning the sounds for each letter. You knew all the basics, and you were starting to learn the combination sounds like "br" and "bl." You were doing so well at school, one of the two most advanced kids in your class, but you were struggling with your behavior. You struggled all school year with your behavior, and we finally made the decision to repeat you in Pre-K. At the time, you were at a little Methodist preschool, but we were moving to a new school district and decided to put you in the Pre-K there. Your old Pre-K teacher thought you might benefit from another year to learn the social skills like lining up, raising your hand when you need to speak, not interrupting, and following directions; I don't know where you got it from, but you question absolutely everything. :-)

Daddy and I struggled long and hard with the decision to hold you back, and I am still struggling with it a few weeks into the new school year, because over the summer you learned to read. You are the only one in your class who can read already, and I am terrified that you will be bored and not challenged enough. I am terrified that i made the wrong decision; I am pretty sure that this is normal for a parent to feel, but it doesn't make it any less stressful. Your teachers are nice, and I try not to judge the people who teach you when their pronunciation or grammar isn't perfect, but I can't help wondering if we are screwing up by sending you to a public school. I want to believe that good parenting in conjunction with public schools will win out and that you will be the best you can be no matter where we put you. I hope that being in a racially and culturally diverse class will teach you things that we can't teach you at home. I hope that they are the right things, but you spend as much time at school every day now as you spend with me and Daddy, and that loss of influence is frightening. I hope that one day you will read this and know that everything we did, we did because we thought we were doing what was best for you.

One of the things we struggled most with this year was deciding where to move. When you were born, we lived in East Atlanta. Daddy lived there already when we met way back in February of 1999 (the olden days). We lived there together, then were married, and bought a second house there before you were born because we needed more room. I loved that house. It is the house to which I brought you home from the hospital. It is where we brought Tiller home. We loved our babies in that house. We had to live at the lake for a month while we waited for the new house, and that was quite an experience. You and Tiller loved it.

We were sad to move, but I know we did the right thing, because you are thriving here and you have already made friends. Also? There is a pool here, and this year, you learned to swim. Your swim lessons were pretty pointless. You wouldn't even put your head under the water. But on our own time, we gave you little plastic diving torpedoes; Daddy figured out that if we made it a game, you would start reaching for them deeper and deeper in the pool. He was right, and he played on one of your strongest traits - Your love of competition. You will make a game or race or contest out of anything. Aunt Lisa said she was pumping one time and you and Tiller actually cheered to see which breast would produce the most milk. Again, i have no idea where you got this competitive streak. It is just baffling. :-)

You learned to read and swim, which are two of the most amazing and wonderful things I could imagine for you. You also learned some other things: Jumping down off monkey bars and landing on your feet. How to knock the heck out of a whiffle ball. You almost never miss. You and Daddy play ball at least once a week, and sometimes almost every day. Daddy is taking you to a Braves game tonight for your birthday, but that is a surprise. I hope it doesn't rain.

Things that you love: Shows like Fetch with Ruff Ruffman, Superwhy, and Wordgirl. You have outgrown the shows like Sesame Street and Diego and Dora. You adore Monster Trucks. Anything with cars racing; you will even watch Nascar, much to our dismay. You say you like Tigers the most, but i am hoping you are reading this with a UGA diploma on the wall. We'll see how that one shakes out. You love races. You like reading about cars and trucks and rocket ships.

Your favorite food right now is definitely Cinnamon Rolls. We only buy them for special occasions, like this morning before school.

Your growth has slowed some, but you are tall and thin. No more baby fat - you are a boy now, lithe and fast. You also have become more and more like your Papaw Palmer. In some ways, your personality is like him. Your hair is most definitely his hair. We can pour two buckets of water over your head, and it will just roll off like sheep's wool. It cracks me up.

You are goofy, and fun-loving, and you never stop talking. Sometimes i can't even think straight, you talk so much. You can dress yourself now, and that is a huge change for us. I miss pulling your shirts over your head, or holding your pants for you to step into them, but it is so much easier. You have started doing your own chores: You clear your plates and put them in the sink yourself, without being asked. You help take out recycling, get the mail, and help bring in the recycling bins and trash from the street. You are usually pretty good about cleaning up at the end of the day, which is a big help to us. You love going to the library with Daddy and Tiller to pick out books. This year, Daddy also took y'all to see Wall-E and you both sat there throughout the movie. That is a first, because in the past, taking you to movies has not been as successful. You couldn't sit still.

You and Daddy and Tiller went to Orlando and Cypress Gardens with Grandma and Papaw Johnson this year; I stayed home to be with Aunt Lisa when Dash came. This year, you welcomed a new cousin and now you are not the only boy. We also went to Panama City in the spring, Lake Lure for New Year's, and a ton of lake trips.

One other thing happened this year that I think you will want to read about when you are older. We lost your great-grandmother, Meemaw. She was old, but it was still a sad thing for us all, and it was a new experience for you and Tiller to lose a loved one. I was nervous about taking you to the funeral, but I couldn't have been more proud of your behavior there, and I know that you were a great balm to your Grandma's sadness. I was glad that we took you, and happy that you both got to say goodbye to Meemaw; She loved you both very much. I hope that you will remember, even if it is just a little bit. I never knew any of my great-grandparents, and i think it was an amazing experience for you and Tiller to know two of yours, to see your grandparents' joy at seeing their parents meet their Grandchildren. I hope that I will be that lucky one day.

I have to go make preparations for some Birthday celebrations now. It is a Wednesday, so we are having a pool party on Saturday to celebrate your birthday (no rain, please!), but tonight, I am planning your requested birthday dinner: mac and cheese. I am not even bothering with veggies! After that, we will give you a couple gifts. You are getting a Braves hat and shirt, and Daddy is taking you to the game. Ned helped out by offering up his Turner vouchers and y'all are getting good seats. I wish I could go, but Tiller turns into a pumpkin after seven.

Our life is busy these days, with school, and soccer starting up, and trying to fix up the new house, but i hope that every year on your birthday I will be able to take the time to write this letter to you, to let you know how much you have changed and learned and matured and grown over the past year.

You are five today, no longer my baby, although you will always be my baby. I now know why my Mama and Daddy still say this to me, and I no longer bristle at it when they do; if anything, I sympathize with them, because i know what it means to love you from birth, to nurture you, and to see you no longer be the helpless being you once were, to see you blossom and have thoughts of your own and question our decisions for you. I know what it means to feel swollen with pride at the same time that I am sick with the sadness of knowing you will leave and things will never be this perfect and sweet again. Raising you and loving you is the most exquisite and overwhelming bittersweet pain and pleasure i have ever experienced. I am a better person for being your Mama, and you are everything that I ever could have wanted in a son, and so many other things that I never knew I wanted.

Daddy and I love you so much and we try to savor every last moment with you, but we are also so very excited to see what wonderful things you will do with your life and what a wonderful, independent person you will become.

Love,
Your Mama

p.s. No, you are not getting a skateboard this year.

We Did It! Kept One of These Critters Alive for Four Years!

Dear Rollie -

I cannot believe that you are four years old today. It seems like just yesterday that I was lying around taking naps, and anticipating your arrival. If only I had known how drastically my life was about to change. You turned everything upside down from the moment you arrived, and I will never be the same.

In the last year, you started school for the first time. You just went three days a week from 9-noon, but it was so hard to drop you off that first time. You were so excited, with your little backpack. I don’t know why I worried – you did great, and you made lots of friends, and you loved going to school. You didn’t get in too much trouble, although I did have to go pick you up one time for biting. I was mortified. We talked about it, though, and you never did it again. Your teacher at the beginning of the year was Miss Michelle; you loved her, and sometimes you didn’t want to leave school and would hug her legs and cry and scream when I came to pick you up. After Christmas, they moved the three-day kids into a different class and your teachers were miss Reshma, who was from India, and Miss Janice. Both of them were very sweet to you, and liked you very much, although you went through a difficult stage there for a while. You were pushing a lot. That was our fault, though, because we let you watch the movie, “Cars.” It was a movie about a racecar, and in his races, he and other cars would bump each other, and you started bumping other people in real life, including your friends at school, and your little sister. Any time you ran into someone, you would say that it was “bumping.” We took the movie away when we (finally) realized the movie was causing the behavior.

Your friends at school are Jackson, Reese, David, Ezra, Zoe, Shruthi, Toby, and Sarah. I loved to come pick you up and see you playing happily on the playground. I always had to bring home a pile of artwork that you did at school. The box in my closet is about to explode, it has so much artwork in it. I don’t know what I will do when you and Tiller are both going this coming Fall. The teachers last year always said that you were very smart and doing well with your ABCs and counting and letter sounds. I am very proud of your intelligence and how quickly you learn things, and I know that you are going to be reading in the next couple of years; I cannot wait to see your excitement when you realize that reading a book is like opening a door to a whole new, unexplored world. I look forward to discussing books with you, and to seeing what subjects you get excited reading about.

Your favorite things to play right now are cars and trains. You are a pro at riding your tricycle, and Daddy and I finally got you a new bike for your birthday. It is a Huffy Rockit, and it has flames on it. We took you to the park to ride yesterday and you did great. You were a little scared, and had a few wobbles when your training wheels went off the sidewalk, but if I walked beside you, holding the end of the handlebars, you were confident. If I let go, you would cry and scream for me to hold on to it again. I admit that I was annoyed that you were too scared to try it, but I was proud that by the end of the outing, you were riding without me helping you, and riding ahead of Daddy, Tiller, and I. You showed us how you could ride in circles, and you were so proud of yourself. I know that years from now, I will wish that you need me more often, that I will want to hold on to your handlebars, or help push you up the big hills, so to speak, but I know that part of being your Mama is watching you become an independent little boy.

You received other stuff for your birthday: A bunch of matchbox and hot Wheels cars, an Auburn shirt (I am hoping you will grow out of that ugly thing pretty soon), a game with a monkey, a football set and a cool die-cast truck from Uncle Mark. Uncle Lyle got you a racetrack for your cars, and a cool Snoopy Snow Cone machine. Grandma and Papaw Palmer got you a baseball glove and tee with a whiffle ball and bat. The glove looks so small, and yet it is too big for your hand. We are taking them to the Lake for Labor Day this weekend, and I am looking forward to playing some catch with you and Papaw (when we’re not watching the Dawgs play, of course – Football season starts this weekend!) Your party was a cookout at our house. We filled the kiddie pool up for swimming, and had hot dogs, hamburgers, cake, and ice cream. All of your Grandparents were here, but Meemaw and Pop couldn’t make it. Uncle Mark and Aunt Lisa were here, and also Uncle Lyle. Aunt Denise was sick, and Aunt Suzanne and Uncle Wade couldn’t make it because they had baby Luci on Friday. That’s right! You and Tiller have your first cousin. I am a little sad that you don’t have a cousin closer in age, but you and Tiller are such partners in crime, that I know you will always have each other to play with. Other people at the party were: Harmony, Gabe, and baby Chase; Ned, Vanessa, and Scarlett; cousin Adam, and Jenny and Addie; Matt Stewart showed up in time for a burger, cake, and ice cream.

Let’s see, what else happened this year? Your vocabulary has rocketed. I am amazed when you ask me things like, “Mama, what are consequences?” and you really caught me off guard last week, when you asked me how babies get out of their Mama’s tummies. For the record, I just told you the truth – babies come out of their mama’s vaginas, kind of like when they go pee pee. You looked confused and then asked me if the baby went into the toilet. You like to say that things are “crazy” or “cool.”

You are a great big brother. You teach Tiller lots of games, and you are pretty patient with her, even when she is a complete pest. You both love to dance, and to sing. Your favorite songs this year have been: Just about anything by Kings of Leon, although your favorite is probably “Charmer.” You love to sing to Sufjan Stevens’ “Chicago,” The Decemberists’ “Crane Wife 3,” and Lily Allen’s “LDN.” You totally rock out to MC5’s “Kick Out the Jams” (I am a good mom, and always do something to distract you from the first line, so that you won’t learn that one) and The Stooges’ “I Wanna Be Your Dog.” Your favorite song to dance to is Peter Bjorn and John’s “Young Folks.” The big dance move you do is what we call “The Big Dance.”

You finally potty-trained this summer. I was frustrated as all get-out, and then one day at the lake, you just started pooping on the potty all by yourself. It was like you decided to finally do it once we gave up trying to teach you. I think you may get a little bit of obstinancy from both your Mama and your Dada. Whatever. I am just glad that I am not changing two diapers anymore. You still wear one at night, and during naps. Not that you nap anymore. Unless you fall asleep in the car, or you are sick. I get pretty frustrated with this, because it means that I never get any alone time during the day, but I know that I will miss our afternoons together when you start school for real.

I really, really try to cherish every moment with you, and I think that I do a pretty good job of checking myself when I am not making the most of our time together. Right now you are sitting next to me watching Diego while I type this. Tiller is sitting next to you. You are wearing a purple, plastic lei that you got at the gym this morning, Thomas the Tank engine underwear, and an Auburn shirt. You just turned to me, yawned, and said something about Baby Jaguars.

I cannot believe how much you are the center of my world, how much I love you, and how fast you change. Lately, you have become more pouty when you are mad at us, and sweeter, to the point of saccharine, when you are trying to show us affection. If you are mad at us, you will tell us “You are a joke!” which we reprimand you for, but secretly think is cute. You also sometimes say that “I am not loving you today.” That one hurt the first time you said it, but now it makes me laugh, because you would have to do a whole lot more to make me not love you back. I don’t think I could love you one iota less. I think you yourself have summed up my love for you: You have taken to telling us, when you are being sweet, that “You are my heart, mama. You and Daddy are my hearts.”

I think that people who are not parents cannot possibly understand the all-encompassing love a parent has for their children. It is a double-threat, a totality of body and mind. It is a love that occupies my mind at all times, even stealing into my dreams to wake me in a terror. It is the physicality of the love, though, that awes me so; the physical sense of feeling sick when you are hurt, or even at the thought of you being in pain. The knowledge, fearless and involuntary, that I would take a bullet for you without a moment’s hesitation. I know that I would kill for you, or die trying. I guess it is biology, a primal instinct to preserve my offspring, but I also like to think that there is a bigger power in our world and that it is fueled by loves like the unalterable love that I feel for you and your sister. You are my heart, sweet Rollie, and you will always be my heart.

Happy Birthday,
Your Mama
Annie